Sunday, 30 March 2008

To the Matresses!

[Like Vasudha explained on her blog, she and I declared a diss war on each other so as to mollify the grievances of your distressed and tormented souls provoked by your vainglorious selves.
The following is her guest post.]

'But they couldn't touch him, he told Clevinger, because he had a sound mind in a pure body and was as strong as an ox. They couldn't touch him because he was Tarzan, Mandrake, Flash Gordon. He was Bill Shakespeare. He was Cain, Ulysses, the Flying Dutchman; he was Lot in Sodom, Deirdre of the Sorrows, Sweeney in the nightingale among trees. He was miracle ingredient Z 247. He was-
"Crazy!" Clevinger interrupted, shaking."That's what you are! Crazy!"

Howdy, world. Meet the freakishly brilliant prodigy sorts who we all wish to burn alive, then smother in pesticides and throw into the Ganga in vaguely anti environmental, totally mental act of sadistic rage - Nikita Nangia.Yes, a fine example of the effortlessly talented, insanely intelligent species whose unsurpassed cranial capabilities allow her to manipulate lesser mortals [me] and whose non existent self conscience let her do so guiltlessly and unfortunately for me, frequently. She be the one who has probably registered as many centuries as Tendulkar, though of the examination marks sorts, and thanks to her superlative mathematical aptitude, she can keep better track of them too. Did I mention this nauseatingly grey celled female might be going to either Stanford or Harvard this summer for a program on either advanced Physics or number theory? Her stark insanity compels you to engage in sad attempts at reverse dissing by making her out to be so good that people are repulsed. Ah, the wretch that is life.

However, even goodness has its blemishes and me being me, they are ingrained permanently into my memory, or whatever little of it exists. Nik's brain has a tendency to work overtime, and there are times when it decides enough is enough, organized workers are entitled to government benefits and a strike is in order. In euphonic terms - Creak, sputter and fizz. An essay in the ninth standard on Pocket Money and the Youth today ended up with our English teacher getting 100 odd write ups she had no inclination of voluntarily reading through. This, of course, was until she chanced upon Her Absentmindedness' piece de resistance. It talked about girls today being happy using the moolah for cleavage showcasing clothes [cloth?] and boys being happy at the girls being happy doing so. Now all this would have been very well, had the aforementioned English teacher not been a student loving sorts. For her, who imagined us to be cherubic little bundles of innocence this came as a mighty shocker [cleavage? Tauba, tauba!] and she hastily cut out the offensive word from Nik's paper. When the teacher subsequently left school, it was a matter of great deliberation whether Nangia's sly frankness had anything to do with it.

It is not only teachers who suffer, though. After watching John Tucker Must Die, she also seriously contemplated throwing rolled up thongs [don't ask] into her brother's room at periodic intervals while the poor guy was studying for his Computer Science pre-Board exam. Again, you could be pardoned for thinking of this as mere sibling irritation stimuli. The fact is, the woman is unquestioningly supercilious. There is no other explanation for her shamelessly flirting with a guy for over a fortnight, last December, and not being able to recall even the guy's name now. Same guy who might be lonesomely fantasizing about pristine white church weddings [No, wait. Guy.] or saying,"I do" after a torrid light saber duel. Tsk, tsk.

For a self proclaimed gargantuan egoist, her goof ups tend to be in sharp conflict with that and the jaw droppingly profound image. With her crap ass spellings and a natural aversion to spell check, Nik has a tendency to be involved in supremely deprecating self mortification. Don't believe me? Just get into a heated discussion with her over IM. She'll do anything to be one up, which includes trying to type lightning fast and getting in her point first. But the thing is, she'd have done anything but made her point when you see this prop up on your screen :
"I can NOT be wrong, ok? I am NIKITA NANGI!"

"Oh, shut up," Dunabr told Clevinger. Dunbar liked Clevinger because Clevinger annoyed him and made the time go slow.

I feel the sudden need to defend me mutilated ego; my reply :-
1) I did not write that girls today are happy using the moolah for cleavage showcasing clothes [cloth?] and boys are happy that the girls are happy doing so. All I said was, just as boys (read: all humans with Y chromosomes) have an unremitting attraction to cleavage, most girls have the same draw to shoes. Was it an infelicitous remark? (If so, bugger off).
2) Not thongs, socks. *says this very indignantly* (Btw, Vas failed to mention, I'm a remarkable liar).
3) I do (I'm treading shark infested waters) remember the fellow's name, just not his last name. *shrugs*
4) I bmale the kobyread!!

All the links were provided my She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named (aka:


Vasudha said...

Go me. I managed to finish it, type it, email it, get you to read it, and not kill me. Am I good at multitasking or what? :D

In your defence :
a. Yes, you did. You also happen to have a preferentially accurate memory. o.O
2. I have witnesses. It was you, me, Hooper and Meha, remember? :D
3. Ha! QED
[His last name is there on your Fbook if only you care to see :P]
4. Sure you do, since all links were provided my me. *flutters eyelashes innocuously*

Nikita said...

a. Uh, huh.
b. umm *shuffles feet*
c. *grits teeth*
d. *sniff* Right-o.

Vasudha said...

a,2,3,4. Wow.
*finishes you off with a Bazooka*

Nikita said...

*takes a quick shot of tequila before being hit by the Bazooka*

Anonymous said...

"I can NOT be wrong, ok? I am NIKITA NANGI!"

ROFLMAO. Nik, hit me up when you're online okay? I wanna see the crap ass spelling myself. :P

Cleavage?! In 9th standard?! Tch tch, aaj kal ke bachche to sacchi english movies dekh dekhkar bekaar ho gaye hain. Angrez chale gaye cleavage chod gaye. :P

Btw, Nik, have you paid for this month's internet connection? Since you're getting killed by the Bazooka anyway, why don't you just let me use the internet connection for the rest of the month? We should never waste resources, you know. :P

Nikita said...

Not paid, sorry. The Airtel guys have been sending me threatening messages because I've failed to pay for the internet.

Vasudha said...

*dancing around happily*
Ha, I have one comment less to reply to! Ishmeet's comment is directly directed towards you, yay. Name mentioned twice in case you missed. Hyuk hyuk. :D

Nikita said...

*grits teeth*

Anonymous said...

@Vasudha: yea, I spared you the trouble because you won me the bet. :D

@Nik: You should pay for the internet connection, you know.

Nikita said...

Ha! Vas, I was right.. you are more sinister than me!! (if not mine, take Ishmeet's word for it)

Shruti said...

That tescher really existed huh.. eew.. and u guys make a handful of bloggers in ur class.. nice nice!! Ismeet started it all I guess?

Vasudha said...

Shruti : Lol, not only did she exist, she still does, much to the chagrin of around 120 kids. :P

And nah, Ishmeet isn't in my class. He's not even in the same city. :P Nik used to be in my class though. Now moved on to *cough* greener pastures. :D

Anonymous said...

OH, that Ismeet was referring to me?

I thought Shruti meant some girl called "Ismeet" who was in your class and was the first one to start blogging. That's the trouble with having names which can be kept by both sexes. You never know whether someone is actually referring to you.

Nikita said...

*stuffs a handful of anything Vas is allergic to down her throat while she coughs*

@IShmeet: Did you know Nikita is a male name in Russia? In fact I was named after a song dedicated to a man (probably Russian) called Nikita.
[Why is it that even I don't find this interesting anymore?]

Nikita said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

@Nik: Ah, I see.

Now I have a strange feeling that you're some evil 40 year old balding Russian guy who's been stealing a random Indian girls' photographs and have been putting them in your Facebook account. :P

Nice template, btw! Blue is cool. :D

And screw you, I can't choose between Coldplay and Green Day. That poll is evil. I voted for Coldplay in the end. But I lve Green Day just as much. :(

Nikita said...

Oh damn! You found me out.

You'll have to vote it again.... please!! (I deleted the old one by mistake)
I changed the template again 'cause it was getting a bit much.

Anonymous said...

Hah! I knew it! I was getting the vibes. Indian chicks aren't that evil. I'm wondering what Vasudha is now. :P :P

I voted again. Greenday this time. And who voted Coldplay now?

Vasudha said...

Vasudha is a shaant, sushil bharatiya naari, okay? :P

One to Coldplay and another to Greenday. Two browsers come in handy. :D

Nikita said...

I voted U2.

And Vas is lying, (s)he is a 37 year old pedophile living in Sri-Lanka. His/her idol, Arthur C. Clark.

Anonymous said...

Vasudha is a shaant, sushil bhaartiya naari. Yeah right, mera joota. :P

And seriously, out of all things, you could only become a pedophile? Come on man. Even a french fries munching porn watching fat American is better than Michael Jackson. :P

Stickfigureondrugs said...

Fuck-me-freddy I feel retarded :\

PS: Where's the Humour?! :|

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